please don’t be angry with me because I don’t want to live anymore. please understand that it’s nobody’s fault, nobody could have done anything different or better or said anything to convince me otherwise. too many years have dragged on in the blurry way that they do, and this slow death has been the worst pain to endure. to watch myself waste away, my mind and body and my spirit have been so eroded I feel like a shell of my former self. every time I try to convince someone that life is worth living, that suicide is preventable and all that I can never really, truly convince myself. all the best advice in the world doesn’t fill the deepening hole in my chest. and on top of all this, the worst pain I feel is for those who care about me, because I know they exist. I know I have friends and family that will love and miss me terribly and will be heartbroken by my passing but I simply cannot do this any more. it hurts too fucking much. every day is worse and I just can’t seem to find the light leading my way out. everyday I spend hours daydreaming about getting shot, run over, in car accidents, jumping in traffic, getting terminal illnesses, overdosing, cutting every fucking inch of my body, trying to figure out how to kill myself in the least messy way possible so that nobody is more upset than they should be. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking about, obsessing over, my own death. I just want to get it over with.
how many years. how many fucking years.
when I was seven, I tried to drown myself. does that even count? does it only count when you’re 13 and leave lines of blood all over your sheets and the insides of your sleeves? or when you’re 16 and swallow a medicine cabinet? or when you’re 19 and try it again? what about the railings on the steps and the closet shelves your broke trying to hang yourself in between? what about all of those hours and hours
the months and years of crying
of just never being happy
this is not the way I want to live
when will everyone just understand that I didn’t want to kill myself, my brain is fucking sick and it’s killing me.
please just remember me the way that you guys think of me, it seems to be pretty nice, if a little unrealistic.
but nobody reads this shit and at the end of the day nobody listens until you’re dead anyways.